Committee Chairman, Me??

Hello.  It’s me again.  I know I took a break.  Sorry about that.  I’ve been kinda busy with Doctors and all.  Plus Thanksgiving.   Bud was home for the week and I spent the majority of the time with him.  We don’t get to do that very often. 

The title of this post is about something I am coming to love.  If you remember, or know me, you know that last year I signed Nosey up for Cub Scouts.  I did this thinking that he would have something to do that would be fun and that he could do.  Something that wouldn’t be too hard, but give him the challenges he needed.  And help with his self esteem.  This was going to be a new charter, and since it was in the beginning stages, we had to start from scratch.  I mean starting with assigning leaders and such.  I somehow got assigned the position of Committee Chairman.  At the time I was told that all I would have to do was to sign all the papers and just basically sit and listen.  Now I know that isn’t all that it involves. 

Oh boy.  I had no idea what I was doing.  But that was ok, none of us knew what we were doing.  I mean the rest of the leaders.  Last year we basically just fumbled through the whole thing.  There were camping trips not approved, wrong badges given out.  No training what so ever.  So a few of the leaders went to some of the meetings and learned more of what we needed to do.  This year seems to be coming along a little better.  The ones that attended the meetings or training came back with all kinds of info and things are getting to be more involved. 

I however,  haven’t lived up to my end of my job.  Looking up my position and doing some reading, I have a lot more detailed info on what I am supposed to do.  Boy oh Boy.  If you know me, then you know I am one of the shyest people there is.  I don’t do well in charge.  I don’t do well when having to speak to groups of people.  I don’t do well when speaking to someone I don’t really know.  So what in the world am I doing in the CC position??  I have no idea what I am doing.  And I freeze up when people look at me.  But I think I can handle this.  I just have to work through the anxiety.  I am kinda looking forward to this.  Shhh don’t tell anyone.  But it might be fun.  So, while I am trying to work myself up to go to some training meetings, I will be pushing myself to breathe and to think off Nosey.  He means more to me than making a fool of myself.  And this is for him.  Right??

Grey’s Anatomy and Californication

For those of you who know me, know that I don’t get to watch too much tv.  Most of the time, I am busy during the day, and at night.  I don’t get too interested in any shows that come on every week.  But, I do have two that I really enjoy. 

Grey’s Anatomy is my favorite.  And  I really have to prepare to watch it.  Meaning, I have to get all homework done, dinner has to be a little earlier, and baths have to be taken earlier also. 

This said, the show I have to make time for is Grey’s Anatomy.  I have been a faithful fan since the very first episode.  I remember when they were showing the previews and thinking, “I have got to watch that”.  Haven’t missed an episode yet. 

The next one, I stumbled upon, and since it comes on after the kids go to bed,  I get to watch it with no interruptions.  Californication.  David Duchovny, oh my.  Enough said.  I am not quite sure why I like this show, but I do.  Maybe it’s because it doesn’t even closely resemble my own. 

So I was about to get started on chores this morning when I noticed him David D on the Regis and Kelly show.  Normally I just keep this show in the background, but I pretty much watched the whole show.   For some reason this guy really fascinates me and his life.

Big ole Scaredy Cat

Last year, I signed Nosey up for Cub Scouts.  Little did I know I would become the committee chairman.  I don’t have a lot of duties, and thought “ok, I’ll do this till they can find someone to replace me.  Ha.  I am still there and I still have no idea what I am doing.  The people involved are some really cool people, and they seem so motivated and are spending alot of time doing this.  I however, still feel like I am just hanging in there. 

We had a meeting last night with all of us “Leaders”.  While everyone else is saying, “OOhh we can do this, and we can do that” and such, I am still so shy, that I just watch them as they put together plans.  I hate being shy, so shy that I feel my throat tighten anytime someone looks at me.  I mean, come on, I’m now 41.  I should be able to do this, right?  I should be able to speak up and say ” hey, I have an idea”.  So I push myself to do this.  Ok, no more said.  I just wish that I wasn’t such a scaredy cat.  Something else I need to work on.  Ugh.

Ah the guilt of it all

Today, I just want to crawl under the covers and not wake up for a couple of days.  Dizziness is something I haven’t had in years.  Why do Mothers feel we have to carry on even when we feel bad?  Why can’t we take a break and just lay down and sleep while everyone is away at work and school?  Every time I look at the couch or bed, I think of Bud, working his patooey off and the kids working at school.  I guess because I feel guilty, thinking,”well if they can’t be here to enjoy just being at home, then why should I enjoy being at home?”But then I get this overwhelming urge to go lie down in front of the toilet.  This feeling is brought on by this new medication I now have to take.  Yuck.

But instead of giving in, and enjoying just stopping the movement in my head, I continue on with the daily chores.  I really don’t want to clean the bathroom, I really don’t want to wash the dishes, let alone the laundry.  See, living in an older home, I have to walk out to the laundry room.  No it isn’t inside the house.  Not like it is a long way, but it is cold outside.  And poor pitiful me doesn’t have a dishwasher, not that I would use it anyway.  I mean how many dishes can 2 children mess up for breakfast anyway?  And since I clean the toilet every day, couldn’t I skip it for one day? 

Well, here is the thing.  This is where the guilt comes in.  I know all the women’s magazines, the doctor, and other women tell you, “take care of yourself or you won’t be able to take care of them”.  Ok I do, or I think about doing it.  But then I feel guilty.  For each thing I think of doing for myself, I feel like it is taking away from everyone else.  I guess this is why I walk around with holes in my clothes while everyone else is not.  When I fall apart, limb by limb, at least my people will be taken care of. 

So another day goes by and I continue to do all I can while I have the time.  Thinking, “if I just get this one more thing done, then I can spend some good time with my people.”  But you know what??  You never get finished.  You never get it all done.  So, here I go, back out to the laundry room to finish that so I don’t have to do it later, or so I think.

Rush Hour Traffic

Let me just say this, for those of you who know me, know I am a little bit scatterbrained.  Ok, so maybe I am a lot scatterbrained.  Having TN doesn’t help at all.  Especially if I have to drive in rush hour traffic.  And you know how many other idiots there are on the roads, that are late for work, or school.   I had a doctor appointment this morning, and I did like I should have.  I left for the city an hour before the due time.  This route I took normally would have taken me 30 minutes, but took me all of the hour I allotted myself.  And where in the blooming roses do people get their drivers license??  Had one lady stop at a green light.  Evidently her coffee or “expresso” hadn’t kicked in yet.  I got run off the road a couple times, people wanting to pass when I got behind a slow moving vehicle.  Good Grief.  I guess because I don’t drive to the city everyday during this time, I had forgot all this mess.  Women putting on make up going 70 miles an hour down the highway, and the ones on the cell phones.  Hey I understand you might need to make a quick call to the office or something.  But come on, I had a woman, on a cell phone following my every move for at least 30mins.  How about watching the road and keeping a safe distance behind me instead of breathing up my tail pipe???  For people like me who just bumble their way through, this can be very dangerouse.  I might at any time, go commando and shoot you the bird.  Ha, anyway, just thought I’d vent a little.   Think about this post the next time you have to do the rush hour thing, and stay off the friggin phone people!  Watch where the hell you are going and keep your eyes on the road or you just might see my finger……..

Unwanted Animals

Please people, please don’t take your unwanted animals to the country and just drop them off.  I know you think that if you do, they will find food and shelter.  But 90% of the time, they don’t.  Some times they will sit in the very same spot you drop them off. Waiting for you to come back and pick them up.  We see this happen over and over out here where we live.   People, these animals don’t always find a home.  They don’t always find food.  Lots of times, they get run over.  Or they get shot.   Or they starve to death, because they have been domesticated.  

Right now we have 2 dogs roaming the area that someone has dropped off.  A mother and a pup.  For a about a month now, these two dogs have been hanging around the same area where lots of people tend to “drop off” their unwanted pets.  They are too scared to come up to our place because of our dog.  But they are still hanging around where someone left them.  They were in pretty good shape when we first started seeing them.  But now they seem to be kinda bony.  There isn’t much around to eat except for bugs and small animals.  That in itself could cause them intestinal pain and disease. 

Every pet we have had has been the result of someone dropping off their “pet” they no longer want.  Just this past summer, we noticed a little sheltie hanging around the corner where I guess the drop off point is.  You couldn’t even tell it was a sheltie.  The poor thing looked more like a bald coyote.  For about a week, we watched the little dog sit beside the road.  Wondering what would happen to him or her.   Soon the dog was hungry enough to make it’s way to our house.  But only at night, so as not to be seen I guess.  He looked positively horrible, but upon closer inspection, we noticed he looked a little like a sheltie.  A sheltie with a horrible case of mange.  The little hair he had, was matted so bad the t-shirt material he was wearing for a makeshift collar, was all tangled together.  This dog made me cry.  And I don’t mean just a little boo hoo, I mean angry, frustrated, and horrified that someone used to own this dog. 

 I couldn’t help it, but I had to feed him.  Now not all animals will I feed.  Remember we have two small children who don’t understand rabies just yet.  Or  rather don’t understand what can happen as a result.

So anyway, I feed him and he looks so sad.  But he doesn’t come up to the house, but rather hangs out away from the house.   After a week or so of keeping the kids away and watching the behavior of the dog,  Nosey throws a stick.  The dog fetches and brings the stick and lays it at his feet.  I think that is what got Bud to thinking.  Not long after that, we took him to the vet.  He had  mange.  He had all kinds of worms.   And the vet said he was an older dog.  Upon closer inspection, he also noted he was neutered.  Further evidence this dog had been “dropped off”.   So he was wormed, received all shots, and we were sent home with medicine to dip him with.  Within a few weeks, his hair started growing back.  I finally cut away all the matted hair, and now 5 months later, he is a beautiful dog.  A member of the family. 

But the point I am trying to make is that, not all animals are this lucky.  Most of the time, they are beyond help.  Like I said previously, most get run over, or turn wild, or die of rabies or starvation. 

Please, Please don’t drop off your unwanted pets in the country somewhere.  Just because you place them near homes, doesn’t mean they will survive.  Take them to a shelter where they can possibly be adopted out and have a chance at a good home. This sheltie, just happened to be lucky, unlike the two roaming around the area now.

Saying GoodBye to an Old Friend

Today, I finally said goodbye to an old friend.  My car.  I know this sounds crazy and this post is going to be crazy too.  Some people do get attached to their cars.  I am one of them.  Of course I get attached to other things too, like a particular coffee cup, an old pair of shorts and things like that. 

So I got attached to a car, so what.  I drove it for a long time.  First it started out as Mom’s car.  She bought it when it was brand new in 1992.  At that time I had a little truck that I was attached to.  But after Nosey was born, my little truck just gave out on me.  Mom was looking for a new car so when she found one, she gave me hers to drive, the Oldsmobile.  So, I have had this car since 1998.  It was a great car, not a thing wrong with it.  Not too many miles on it either.  But now lets see, it was in 1998 that I started driving it, and it is now 2007.  I guess around 2000, little things started going wrong.  The transmission started leaking a little, we had that fixed.  The power steering went out, we had that fixed.  It over heated, we got that fixed.   Lots of things started taking a toll on the poor old thing.  The last time I remember the speed odometer working, it had 212,000 miles on it.  That could have been 3 years ago.  Since it has a digital display, no one knows exactly how many miles it has collected since then. 

So, anyway the car started leaking antifreeze really bad last year and we grounded it.  I started driving Bud’s truck and the olds sat for a year.  Earlier this year, Bud got a different car for me to drive.  I guess because the Olds was tired, and his truck was about to get tired.   Now my brother is in need of some kind of reliable transportation so this morning, Bud loaded it up and took it to him so he could repair a few things and hopefully have a good car.  It won’t need alot done, but it will take some money and time. 

So this post is kinda about the car, but it is also about “keeping it in the family”.  That car is 15 years old.  I hope brother can keep it going now.  Mom passed it to me, now I pass it to brother.  Even though it was deemed “the toxic waste dump”, it was my car for a while, and yes I will miss it.  I would though like to see it running on the road again.  Bye my “toxic waste dump”.

“Just Tap-On It” Theory

First of all, it is Tap-On, not tampon, just thought I’d clarify that.  The theory goes, that if you tap on something that isn’t working, it will begin working. 

The “Just Tap-On It” theory is something I thought about this morning.  There is a reason for this post but right now I’m going to give you some examples of the theory. 

1. If the children are outside and you want their attention, what do you do?  You tap on the window.

2.  I remember seeing someone, maybe my grandparents tapping on the TV when it wouldn’t work.

3.  I’ve seen people tap their watches, I don’t know why, maybe they weren’t working.

4.  Have you ever been almost out of ketchup, of course.  So, you tap the bottle to get the rest out.

5.  How about a soda, or candy machine.  Ever tap one of those?  Ok, maybe you didn’t tap it so much as you hit the darn thing.

6. My hairdryer is so old that sometimes it will squeal at me.  I tap on that thing and it will stop.

7.  Ever been in the dark and the flashlight doesn’t work, or quits working.  Yep, you tap the flashlight. 

8.  We all like our remotes to our gadgets.  But sometimes they don’t want to act right, so we give them a little tap. 

9.  Say you need a little air, and you have an older fan that just doesn’t want to start.  Well we do anyway.  You can tap on it and it will start right up.

10.  And the last one.  I’ve never done it, but I have seen people do it.  Tapping on their cell phones.  Why? I don’t know.

Ok so the reason for this post is,  Bud has fixed up this car for me to drive, it’s a very nice car, but had been setting up for a looonngg time.  Lots of things to do to get it back to almost new.  One of the problems the car had was the blinker.  It would work sometimes, and sometimes it wouldn’t.  Or it would quit before you got to turn.  So, he acquires the switch to make it work like it is supposed to.  But before he put it in, he gave it a test.  As we were driving along, he turned the blinker on, it didn’t work.  So what does he do?? Yes, you got it now.  He taps on the dash beside the place where the switch is located.  And you can probably guess what happened.  It started working again. 

Just think, all this time, I could have been tapping on the dash if I needed to turn…Go Figure.

Trigeminal Neuralgia??? Go Figure……..

“Ok, today is my day”.  I say this to myself as I pull out of the school parking lot.  After dropping off Noisy and Nosey.  This week has been “Hellish”, pardon me as Halloween is soo over for this year.  Yes we went trick or treating last night, came home with way too much sugar.  (The dentist will love that)  And the kids of course had a good time.  And I guess I did too.  But this post is about Me.  Not them.  Me. 

So, this week I have been to the “city” 5 times.  Dentist app for both kids, had to go back to have cavities filled.  Yes we had too many this time.  But that is going to get better, ehem.  Two times for Adhd doctor.  All is well with Nosey, but of course Noisy needs to gain some weight so we can increase her dosage.  I pray as I type this that I can get her up there so peace in the home can be regained.  Oh, I am doing it again.  This is supposed to be about me.  Ha, lets try again.

Some of you know that I have been having trouble with my, um well brain.  For some reason, a year and a half ago, I started having pains in the left side of my face and head.  Well, after I finally went to the doc, I was told, or rather diagnosed with TN.  Trigeminal Neuralgia.  Now I have had to have an MRI.  Which accounts for one of the trips to the “city”.  And now next week will be going to see a Neurologist.  Yea, I guess.  I’m not really keen on all this.  I feel like a “weirdie”…  Nosey’s word.  I don’t like what is happening to me because this HURTS!!!.  I have been doing alot of reading on this particular “thing”.  It seems to me I don’t have many options as far as going back to normal.  The family doctor didn’t give me any indication I may ever be normal again.  Normal.  Normal.  What exactly does that Mean???  I’ve never been normal. 

I am mad.  Really mad.   Why can’t I be NORMAL.  I’ve never had anything normal happen for me.  I was one of the odd kids in school, I didn’t do sports, I picked the wrong boyfriends, I didn’t go to college, I married the wrong guy, I lost my dad in the wrong way, I got hooked on drugs, and I had two children from different fathers as a result of the drugs, (but of course some of those things I could have changed)

….. then my whole world flipped a 360.

I met a guy online.  A not so normal guy, but yet a normal guy.  He helped me get my life straightened out.  He taught me it’s ok to love and be loved.  And now that I am actually living a “normal” life, something “unnormal” has to pop up. 

Why IS that??  We are doing great.  Life now means something.  My kids, they are wonderful, and I am happy for once.  I’m no longer living in a shell, and hiding from myself.  And up pops something to remind me I am not normal.  I can’t figure out why I am now being pulled back into the unnormal again. 

I don’t like to go to doctors,  I don’t like medical things.  I am scared of being the one that is always going to doctors, taking medications, and dealing with that kind of stuff.

To top this all off, the medication I was given has now made me stutter.  Hah!   Very frustrating.  Bud is being very supportive and understanding.  The kids are being, well just kids. 

But, ya know, I think about all the other things that can happen to people.  And I am glad that I am where I am now.  I am happy I am still here, (cus a few times I didn’t want to be here), I have more than I ever thought I would.  A great guy who actually loves me.  Two great cookie munchers that keep me busy.  And people around me that I love and love me.  So what am I complaining about??? 

 I am good, even with the pain and the stuttering, I am where I should be.  And I am ok.  Now when I go to the “Brain Guy” next week, I hope I can write about the fact that this TN is all I have to deal with.  That it is all that is wrong with me.  I will just have to learn to speak a little slower.   And now that I have written all this.  I think I am ok for the day.  And now it is time to get up and get busy.  So here I go.  Any volunteers to help me vacuum??….didn’t think so.