Today, I just want to crawl under the covers and not wake up for a couple of days. Dizziness is something I haven’t had in years. Why do Mothers feel we have to carry on even when we feel bad? Why can’t we take a break and just lay down and sleep while everyone is away at work and school? Every time I look at the couch or bed, I think of Bud, working his patooey off and the kids working at school. I guess because I feel guilty, thinking,”well if they can’t be here to enjoy just being at home, then why should I enjoy being at home?”But then I get this overwhelming urge to go lie down in front of the toilet. This feeling is brought on by this new medication I now have to take. Yuck.
But instead of giving in, and enjoying just stopping the movement in my head, I continue on with the daily chores. I really don’t want to clean the bathroom, I really don’t want to wash the dishes, let alone the laundry. See, living in an older home, I have to walk out to the laundry room. No it isn’t inside the house. Not like it is a long way, but it is cold outside. And poor pitiful me doesn’t have a dishwasher, not that I would use it anyway. I mean how many dishes can 2 children mess up for breakfast anyway? And since I clean the toilet every day, couldn’t I skip it for one day?
Well, here is the thing. This is where the guilt comes in. I know all the women’s magazines, the doctor, and other women tell you, “take care of yourself or you won’t be able to take care of them”. Ok I do, or I think about doing it. But then I feel guilty. For each thing I think of doing for myself, I feel like it is taking away from everyone else. I guess this is why I walk around with holes in my clothes while everyone else is not. When I fall apart, limb by limb, at least my people will be taken care of.
So another day goes by and I continue to do all I can while I have the time. Thinking, “if I just get this one more thing done, then I can spend some good time with my people.” But you know what?? You never get finished. You never get it all done. So, here I go, back out to the laundry room to finish that so I don’t have to do it later, or so I think.
