Bittersweet

So many things have happened in the last 12 months, I don’t even know where to begin.  Some good, some not so good.  Some devastating, some really wonderful and hard to believe. 

The worst has to be the loss of 2 of my pets.  Harley and Barkie.  Both guys brought me and others so much joy and were wonderful companions.  Harley I had  had since 1995.  He was brought home to me in my ex husbands jacket pocket.  Daschaund puppy, small enough to fit in my hand.  I just adorded him.   I can still hear his little paws clicking on the floor.   He slept with us in the bed sometimes, but mostly on the floor by my side of the bed.  He used to ride with me on the big truck sometimes.   Troy, my brother kept him and took care of him when I met Tommy and we moved in together.  I hated leaving him but saw him often.  As the years went by he grew grayer and became blind.  He died last year and of course I wasn’t there.  It broke my heart. 

Then there was Barkie.  He was a stray or someone dropped him off.  I first saw him walking around the neighborhood, couldn’t even tell what kind of dog he was then.  He had mange so bad poor baby.  I fed him and he had a piece of t-shirt material for a makeshift collar.  He had also been neutered and was an older dog.  His teeth were almost all gone.  We took him and had his shots, and meds for the mange,  and soon he was showing us how he loved to play fetch, you throw a ball, or stick or just about anything he could get in his mouth, he’d bring it back to you.  We lost him a year ago this Wednesday. 

Mom is still battling Alzheimer’s and was told she had breast cancer.  She had surgery and then we were told it wasn’t breast cancer at all.  For the last 3 years I had been getting all her finances in order and making sure things were paid and in order for her.  I was told just a few weeks ago, I was no longer welcome on the property.  That she didn’t want to see me again, nor does my brother. 

The best thing though, is the fact that we now have a place to call our own, no more crowded small house with two bedrooms and one bathroom.  No more rent.  Both kids have their own room, and there is an extra room for the other one should she want to stay with us. 

I tried to stop smoking a few times, some times no one even knew about.  But I did pretty good from the few days after the kids got out of school until about 3 weeks ago.  Then I started back.  I plan on giving it another shot after everything gets settled back down, which I hope will be next month.  I want so bad to quit, so I won’t give up.  Not yet.

Trigeminal Neuralgia is started to give me fits again, not as bad as before, but enough to where I get scared every time I feel its first little shock.  I really don’t need that to sneak up on me again, so I am taking my meds and watching for the signs. 

This year from August to August has been extremely trying for myself.  I think I am mentally exhausted.  I am having to really train my self to pay attention to anything, I keep forgetting things, and of course that makes me even more mentally frayed.  (I just know I’m going to have Alzheimer’s too).  I sure hope it’s all stress and up and down and such, but things don’t work out that way for me.  :-/

 Ok, so it’s late and just thought I needed get somethings out of my head tonight.  Good night and thanks for your prayers and thoughts and messages.  They really do mean a lot.  And yes, I’ll try to get back to writing again.  I promise.

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