Thank You Bud

Hope you all had a wonderful VDay yesterday.  I did.  I had a wonderful one.  Bud is the sweetest man.  I won’t say why, but just let me tell you, he is a sweetie.  Normally he has this “gruffness”, “hardness” about him.  But this week he has been especially understanding.  All week I have been feeling ”out of sorts”.  He has been really busy  as one of the guys at the shop has been sick.  Every night he has come home dog tired.  Yet he has made time to talk to me. 

Yesterday was a busy day for him as usual, but he still took time out for me.  He knows me and I know him and I know that the time he gave me yesterday meant something.  Took alot for him.  So I say thank you Bud for yesterday. 

The kids parties at school were alot of fun and a needed break from reality for me.  I had the best time with them, Nosey’s was around 10:30 am and Noisy’s was at 2:00pm.  I really enjoyed watching the kids interact with each other and visiting with the teachers.  My hat is off to the teachers of the world.  You guys rock.

Today however I am back to being me.   Time to come out of the clouds of Valentines Day and get back to reality. 

I am accident prone,  I am clumsy, and it is a “blue eyed miracle” that I have even made it to 41.  I drop things, run into things, and fall.  All my life I have had to learn to be careful when I do anything.  Ha, but still things happen. 

This morning after taking the kids to school and going to town for things for the weekend, I get home and gather up the laundry.  This is a simple task.  Nothing too risky there.  Our laundry room is outside about 10 yards from the house.  So I am walking out the door with not one, but two baskets full of clothes I hope to get done with before the end of the day, and fall. 

I fall off the concrete steps, there are two, onto our concrete carport.  Laundry flies everywhere.  I smack my head, of course I hit the left side of my ear and skull on this surface that is cold, wet and HARD.  Talk about stars, I had cluster bombs going off. 

As I was falling, in slow motion, I was thinking, “Oh shit, here comes the lightening”.  And as I hit, I could feel the crack of my noggin all the way to my feet.  Of course I just knew that I was going to have a TN moment.  But the strange thing was, I didn’t.  The only thing that hurt was my ear and head.  I cannot believe that this didn’t trigger an episode.  Of course the day is still early so I expect to have caused some damage.

Don’t suppose I could get so lucky as to have shaken my brain enough to be cured now.  Could I?? 

Ever have one of those feelings?

Yesterday, I woke up with a feeling of ……..hmm, not quite sure how to say it.  I had a feeling, not in my jaw or face.  But in my head, stomach, and I guess my mind.  I don’t know where it came from or what to call it.  I tried to describe it to Bud, and my mother, but just couldn’t decide what to call it. 

It was kinda like dread, anticipation, anxiety.  No, not really, but kind of.  Just a feeling that something wasn’t right somewhere.  With someone, me, or I don’t know who.  Could have been me.  Could have been someone I didn’t know.  It just felt horrible.  Like I was waiting on something to happen.  Maybe something good or bad I couldn’t tell.  It was just one of those days you just want to sit very still and not move.  A day when you couldn’t think right, you couldn’t make up your mind about any thing. 

I know I’m not describing this right.  It was almost like you are afraid to move or speak because you are really excited about something or really scared about something.  I have no idea which one.  I know you think maybe I am crazy or that the meds have finally pushed me over the edge.  But I am finally used to them and don’t notice any side effects at all anymore.  Unless I forget for a few days. 

I used to get these feelings alot when I was a kid.  As a grown up, I have had a few also, but not in the last couple of years and not to this extreme. 

I mean that this feeling, whatever it was, was just persistent.  No matter what I did to try to make it go away, it just wouldn’t.  And the things I tried, I kept screwing up, it seemed like.   I guess it was just a bad day.  But I don’t have that many of them.  Oh I have days when my jaw hurts like mad, but not many days where I just can’t function because of a feeling. 

It was also kinda like a feeling as if you were in school again and sitting outside of the Principal’s office.  Or like you were 7 and were waiting on your birthday party to start. 

Just not sure about it.  Every have one of those feelings??

Need A Reason To Get Up In the Morning?

This is in response to a comment I got from a dear family member.  I know we all have our little aches and pains.  Or big ones.  But we all get up and do the things we need to do.  That is just how it is.  I love you all and think of you all.  You guys are also my reasons for getting up everyday.  Thank you guys for being there for me, even if I owe you a phone call.  Loves and Sugars from Me.. 

Ok People, need a reason to get up in the morning? I’ll give you my two. Nosey, Noisy. Ok, I have more than that. The rest of my family. I have alot of people that I feel need me. Some of them I don’t talk to much, but some I do. And some of you I need to give a phone call to, Yes you GT,

I love you all.

So again, the most needy are my kids. Some days I just feel like crap. Most days I hurt. Most days I just want to take my meds and go back to sleep. But that can’t happen. I know most of you work, or go to school.  Some of you work from home.  You all know who you are.  And you all are an inspiration to me. 

I am a stay at home mom. And being a stay at home mom, you don’t get to call in sick. Ever. I would love to sometimes. But lets be honest. That isn’t going to happen.

My kids are 9 and 7. And they help out alot, but they still can’t go unsupervised. My daughter has a pretty good case of Adhd so there is no way I can call in sick.

We pretty much stick to a strict schedule. It is mandatory. I get up in the morning and take my meds the same time I am giving out her’s and Nosey’s. Nosey, he has a mild form of add. So I have to stay on my toes.

Sometimes I just wish that I could hide. I mean just crawl in the closet and close the door and just sit there. Wouldn’t be long before someone would find me though.

Anyway back to the fact that my people are what give me the reason to get up. They make my life bearable. If it weren’t for them, this pain would just probably do me in. When it is at its worst, I just feel like I could lay down and die. But with them, I keep thinking, who would take care of them like I do? Would they crawl up in the bed with them at night and read a story? Would they make sure they had bubbles at bath time? Who would put a little note in their lunch box that says “mom loves you”?? Would they let them sneak a couple of bites of candy before dinner? (Oh I know this is wrong, but, hey I love them and they are appreciative of it). And who would fix macaroni and cheese when we are having bacon and eggs for dinner?? Would they get a song sung to them about doing homework when they don’t want to do it? I can make up good songs when under pressure. And if you add in some funny faces and do a little dance along with the songs, they will tell you, you are the best mom in the world.

So it is worth the extra effort. There are all kinds of little things I do. If I were not here, would someone else actually do these silly things. Maybe, but they wouldn’t be as good as mine.

And I must add Bud in here. I love the things I do for you also. I know you could do all of the things I do for you on your own, but hey guy, I love doing them for you. I also know that some of the things I do you might not do on your own and there for you do need me. I also thank you being so kind to me. I love making you smile, and all the silly things you do make it worth getting up each day also. You have been a rock to me and the younguns. I love you too.

So I get up every morning, and do the things I was meant to do. I can’t check out and come back later. I can’t check out not come back. So there are my two reasons for getting up. Everyday. For the rest of …… hmmph….my life.

Here it comes again

Had a pretty good weekend, kids had a Christmas Program at our small church down the street.  Was a great program.  We also put up the Christmas tree yesterday.  The children always love it.  They get to play with the ornaments and look back to the years when they broke this one or that one, and fight over “how” it got broken.  But all in all it was a good weekend.

 Just one thing kept it from being a Great weekend.  Pain.  I wasn’t prepared.  It snuck up on me.  Dang, I thought the meds were working, then all of a sudden, here it comes again.  Bud insisted that because I skipped a couple that was the reason for the return.  I really don’t think so.  I think the meds are wearing off.  Or I am building up a tolerance. 

So here I am again.  A few weeks later, and starting to hurt again.  Each day it is getting a little worse.  Oh come on!  Not right before Christmas!  I haven’t even had my second MRI yet.  I have been canceled again.  Now I am supposed to go tomorrow.  I don’t want to go through this again.  I am getting scared.  What if I have to live like this forever?  Ok, well I am gearing myself up for it, I guess.  I haven’t forgotten what it feels like when it is at it’s worst.  Each little pang is getting a little stronger every time.  So of course I am trying every thing I can to not move that side of my face.  Ha! Try doing that.  It doesn’t work.  So now I am just going to have to go on and do what I need to.  And batten down the hatches.  I hope you guys are having a good day today.

Trigeminal Neuralgia??? Go Figure……..

“Ok, today is my day”.  I say this to myself as I pull out of the school parking lot.  After dropping off Noisy and Nosey.  This week has been “Hellish”, pardon me as Halloween is soo over for this year.  Yes we went trick or treating last night, came home with way too much sugar.  (The dentist will love that)  And the kids of course had a good time.  And I guess I did too.  But this post is about Me.  Not them.  Me. 

So, this week I have been to the “city” 5 times.  Dentist app for both kids, had to go back to have cavities filled.  Yes we had too many this time.  But that is going to get better, ehem.  Two times for Adhd doctor.  All is well with Nosey, but of course Noisy needs to gain some weight so we can increase her dosage.  I pray as I type this that I can get her up there so peace in the home can be regained.  Oh, I am doing it again.  This is supposed to be about me.  Ha, lets try again.

Some of you know that I have been having trouble with my, um well brain.  For some reason, a year and a half ago, I started having pains in the left side of my face and head.  Well, after I finally went to the doc, I was told, or rather diagnosed with TN.  Trigeminal Neuralgia.  Now I have had to have an MRI.  Which accounts for one of the trips to the “city”.  And now next week will be going to see a Neurologist.  Yea, I guess.  I’m not really keen on all this.  I feel like a “weirdie”…  Nosey’s word.  I don’t like what is happening to me because this HURTS!!!.  I have been doing alot of reading on this particular “thing”.  It seems to me I don’t have many options as far as going back to normal.  The family doctor didn’t give me any indication I may ever be normal again.  Normal.  Normal.  What exactly does that Mean???  I’ve never been normal. 

I am mad.  Really mad.   Why can’t I be NORMAL.  I’ve never had anything normal happen for me.  I was one of the odd kids in school, I didn’t do sports, I picked the wrong boyfriends, I didn’t go to college, I married the wrong guy, I lost my dad in the wrong way, I got hooked on drugs, and I had two children from different fathers as a result of the drugs, (but of course some of those things I could have changed)

….. then my whole world flipped a 360.

I met a guy online.  A not so normal guy, but yet a normal guy.  He helped me get my life straightened out.  He taught me it’s ok to love and be loved.  And now that I am actually living a “normal” life, something “unnormal” has to pop up. 

Why IS that??  We are doing great.  Life now means something.  My kids, they are wonderful, and I am happy for once.  I’m no longer living in a shell, and hiding from myself.  And up pops something to remind me I am not normal.  I can’t figure out why I am now being pulled back into the unnormal again. 

I don’t like to go to doctors,  I don’t like medical things.  I am scared of being the one that is always going to doctors, taking medications, and dealing with that kind of stuff.

To top this all off, the medication I was given has now made me stutter.  Hah!   Very frustrating.  Bud is being very supportive and understanding.  The kids are being, well just kids. 

But, ya know, I think about all the other things that can happen to people.  And I am glad that I am where I am now.  I am happy I am still here, (cus a few times I didn’t want to be here), I have more than I ever thought I would.  A great guy who actually loves me.  Two great cookie munchers that keep me busy.  And people around me that I love and love me.  So what am I complaining about??? 

 I am good, even with the pain and the stuttering, I am where I should be.  And I am ok.  Now when I go to the “Brain Guy” next week, I hope I can write about the fact that this TN is all I have to deal with.  That it is all that is wrong with me.  I will just have to learn to speak a little slower.   And now that I have written all this.  I think I am ok for the day.  And now it is time to get up and get busy.  So here I go.  Any volunteers to help me vacuum??….didn’t think so.