Every min, hour and day, I constantly think of my mother and what she might feel, need, want.  Is she scared, comfortable, hungry, angry?  What can I do for her today?  Is she ok?  How is she feeling, or is she missing me?  How much longer will I have her?  Does she even know who I am anymore?  Am I doing the right thing?  Does she realize she isn’t in her home.  Will she ever forgive me for taking her from her home?  These are the main questions I ask.  I never get an answer.  Probably never will. 

Starting with the nursing home, I would have to say that was the worst day of my entire life, other than my dad’s death.  Ever.  Knowing, just knowing once she was removed from her home, life would never be the same.  And it’s not been and will never be.  I do know that Mom is ok.  She’s a trooper and still has the same personality only not so much.  I don’t know how to explain it, but she still has some of her arrogance and is still quick with her sour puss attitude.  I love that she still has that.  She’s not afraid to tell you go to … you know. 

Last week I had to make a decision that would take us down a different road.  One that was inevitably would be coming up anyway.  The doctor suggested I start thinking about Hospice.  My world pretty much crumbled.  The only dealings I had with Hospice was when my Dad was sick, but he wasn’t on Hospice but for maybe a week or so.  So I had no idea other than the fact that it is usually suggested if the patients is looking at making the transfer from rehabilitative care (where the person has a chance to get better) to making the person more comfortable towards the end of life. 

With Mom’s siblings and family coming in from different parts of the country, I knew I didn’t have to make the decision by myself.  With my two uncles and mom’s sister-in-law, we sat down and talked it through.  Each of them coming to my rescue with the help I needed to make the decision of trying to make her better, or to give her a chance to live as pain free and comfortable as possible.  Since she already had in her will, her own choices, I really had no other choice but to add her name to the ever-increasing list of hospice patients already on their own journey.  My mother would now become a member of hospice and palliative care.  It’s been only a week and I can already see the difference it has made just in this short time.  She’s more alert, more rested, and not so much in pain anymore.  She doesn’t seem to be so agitated and seems a little more content.  However, for my own, I wish she would eat a little more, but that is ok, as long as she eats a small amount, that’s enough for now.  I can’t say for sure exactly what changed, but something did.  The day after I signed the paper, she seemed to be better.  I am just hoping it lasts. 

As for me, I still visit probably more than I should.  Sometimes, I just set away from where she is and watch her.  She seems so lost and small.  It breaks my heart sometimes and I just wish I could hold her so her pain and suffering would go away.   She is my mother and I am her daughter.  I miss her.  Even when I am with her.

This is supposed to be our last week in in our “House on the Hill”.  I’ve been spending a lot of time cleaning and moving.  Today, it hit me kinda hard that we will be completely gone from there this Saturday.  I’m really going to miss it.  We all are.  The privacy is the biggest thing we will miss.  There, no one paid any attention to us since we were so far from the road.  Kids could play outside and I didn’t have to worry they’d dissappear.  I could go out in my night gown and no one would know.  Now I feel self contious when I step out the front door.

But even though, we are getting good trade out.  More room, better living conditions.  More luxuries, like a laundry room inside the house.  Anyway, I’ve drifted from the reason of this post.  Me being tired.  Now, I’m too tired to even start over, so for now I should just title this post “Random Thoughts”. I’ll try again at another time :-/

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The worst has to be the loss of 2 of my pets.  Harley and Barkie.  Both guys brought me and others so much joy and were wonderful companions.  Harley I had  had since 1995.  He was brought home to me in my ex husbands jacket pocket.  Daschaund puppy, small enough to fit in my hand.  I just adorded him.   I can still hear his little paws clicking on the floor.   He slept with us in the bed sometimes, but mostly on the floor by my side of the bed.  He used to ride with me on the big truck sometimes.   Troy, my brother kept him and took care of him when I met Tommy and we moved in together.  I hated leaving him but saw him often.  As the years went by he grew grayer and became blind.  He died last year and of course I wasn’t there.  It broke my heart. 

Then there was Barkie.  He was a stray or someone dropped him off.  I first saw him walking around the neighborhood, couldn’t even tell what kind of dog he was then.  He had mange so bad poor baby.  I fed him and he had a piece of t-shirt material for a makeshift collar.  He had also been neutered and was an older dog.  His teeth were almost all gone.  We took him and had his shots, and meds for the mange,  and soon he was showing us how he loved to play fetch, you throw a ball, or stick or just about anything he could get in his mouth, he’d bring it back to you.  We lost him a year ago this Wednesday. 

Mom is still battling Alzheimer’s and was told she had breast cancer.  She had surgery and then we were told it wasn’t breast cancer at all.  For the last 3 years I had been getting all her finances in order and making sure things were paid and in order for her.  I was told just a few weeks ago, I was no longer welcome on the property.  That she didn’t want to see me again, nor does my brother. 

The best thing though, is the fact that we now have a place to call our own, no more crowded small house with two bedrooms and one bathroom.  No more rent.  Both kids have their own room, and there is an extra room for the other one should she want to stay with us. 

I tried to stop smoking a few times, some times no one even knew about.  But I did pretty good from the few days after the kids got out of school until about 3 weeks ago.  Then I started back.  I plan on giving it another shot after everything gets settled back down, which I hope will be next month.  I want so bad to quit, so I won’t give up.  Not yet.

Trigeminal Neuralgia is started to give me fits again, not as bad as before, but enough to where I get scared every time I feel its first little shock.  I really don’t need that to sneak up on me again, so I am taking my meds and watching for the signs. 

This year from August to August has been extremely trying for myself.  I think I am mentally exhausted.  I am having to really train my self to pay attention to anything, I keep forgetting things, and of course that makes me even more mentally frayed.  (I just know I’m going to have Alzheimer’s too).  I sure hope it’s all stress and up and down and such, but things don’t work out that way for me.  :-/

 Ok, so it’s late and just thought I needed get somethings out of my head tonight.  Good night and thanks for your prayers and thoughts and messages.  They really do mean a lot.  And yes, I’ll try to get back to writing again.  I promise.

My Grandmother once told me,”pretty much everyone would stop and take breaks while working the fields”.  Now the majority of the population either have tractors that do all the work and most of those have air conditioned cabs.

Dad used to tell us about how he would get up in the middle of the night, go outside to the well and pour water over his head and rush back upstairs so the air coming in the windows would possibly cool his soaked body.  He even said sometimes he would take his sheets and wet them, put them back on the bed. 

Everyone in town pretty much talked about nothing else except for the heat.  “Hot enough for ya?”  “Do ya think it could get much hotter?”  “Lord do we need a couple days rain, crops are going bad”.  “Might as well go to the creek, nothing else to do”. 

Ladies fanned themselves in church and the men whiped the moisture from their faces with handkerchiefs, kids figdeted on the wooden pews and everyone prayed for rain.  After church everyone had lunch and watermelon cooled from the nearby stream. 

Most everyone had a porch, sitting on the porch in the evenings is how lots of folks battled the heat.  So, we here are now.  Spoiled to the luxury of the air conditioner.  That cool air that spreads all over you when you come inside during this time of year.  We now tend to take it for granted unless a unit goes out and we have to either call the repair guy, or go buy another one.  We’ve become a generation of whiners.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all that hopped up about going back in time to sweat it out on the front porch.  However I do worry about people who don’t have access to cool air.  There are lots of places you can help, Red Cross is always looking for donations of fans, and older a/c units that work.  Good Will is another place to donate.  Check on your elderly neighbors  and make sure they are ok.  Lots of ways to help out. 

I sometimes wish I could have lived in those days, however July in East Texas?  I think I’m ok living in today.

Someone turn the A/C on please???

This year and last year have been a mind blowing experience for me.  I feel tugged and pulled and just down right exhausted.  Mostly mental.  So I am looking forward to a little quiet time.  When our home gets finished and we get moved in, then I think I can relax.  I hope.  Probably not going to happen though.  Something else will come up and “No rest for the weary”.  

I just can’t wait to be able to do laundry in the house.  No going back and forth to the laundry room, which is outside.  I can stay dry, warm in the winter, cool in the summer, all washing and drying clothes inside.  8 years going outside everyday to do laundry doesn’t make you strong, it makes you appreciate the little things.  Boy will I appreciate the inside laundry room.  Also having a window over the sink, that is going to be nice. 

2006

However nice it’s going to be, it’s also going to be very bittersweet.  No more fields for the kids to play in.  No more going to the ponds and such for them.  No more privacy.  That is going to be the biggest thing.  Where we are now, is quiet, back off the road and no neighbors but one, and they are pretty far away.  Fuzzy B and Furry P do their “business” outside.  Not really looking forward to a litter box.  And now, Johnson who has joined our family and likes to run in the morning isn’t going to be able to.  We see him in the mornings running in the fields at top speed.  He looks like a greyhound while running.  Both back feet and front feet meet in the middle while he is in the air.  Such a beautiful site.  Not going to be a place to run where we are going.  

MOM

 We were on the path to breast cancer.  She had the surgery and then then we got the results.  After the tumor was taken out, the few days before radiation was to take place, the surgeon and radiologist told us some odd news.  The mass they took out, MAY not have been cancer after all.  ????  But they said to go ahead and prepare for radiation.  again …?????  So we did.  We drove back to Tyler for the day 1 of the treatments and was then told we could go home.  There was no cancer that the tumor showed no signs of being cancerous????   after we got over the shock of that, we went on our merry way.  Happy that it wasn’t cancer. 

Then after a week, she fell again.  Just like last year.  She stopped eating and would sleep most of the day and night.  She got weaker and weaker.  So we took her to the doctor who admitted her into the hospital.  After two weeks of in and out, we were told she had a fractured vertebrae and all her nutrients were deplenished.   Got her going good again and now she is back home.  Doing better. 

New Home

We are Moving!!!  Came across a really good deal on a slightly damaged, almost brand new home.  YEEEE!  It only needs some TLC and will be our new residence.  We have all been dreaming of having a home of our own where we can stretch and not be right up underneath each other.  A place were the kids can have their own room.  We don’t have to all share a bathroom.  Where I can have a place to cook and put things in drawers and in cabinets and be able to see what I am cooking, and can you tell I am excited?  Tommy and I can have our own bathroom and the kids can have theirs, no more having to schedule out who gets in the shower first in the morning.  YEEEE!  A living room with windows so we can see out and have more light than just the ceiling light.  Central heat and air, no more window units, no more freezing in the winter and huddled against the propane heater.  Ahhh yes.  No more well water.  No more watching how much pressure so as to not burn up the pump!   Told you I was excited. 

However it’s a long process ahead.  But it’s coming along nicely.  Lots of work to do.  Cleaning and repairing.  But we are up for it.  If you’re interested I have added a few photos to my Flickr account in the side bar.  I guess that’s about it for now.  Yeeeee!!!  Can you tell I’m excited??

Not just for the house, but for Mom as well.  Good things can happen when you least expect them.  Thank you Lord, for hearing my prayers

The nurse came yesterday and today for a check in on her.  However, she isn’t wanting to eat much of anything.  Keeps losing weight and gaining,  mostly losing.  The doctors want her to at least get up to 140, but she just about refuses to eat much.  So tomorrow she will start taking a prescription for her appetite.  We’ll see how it goes.  Other than just waiting till Monday, not much else to tell.

Her surgery is set for June 6th and radiation is set for June 13th – 17th.  This going to be hard for the three of us just to be able get her there and back and there again.  Living something like 30 miles away and having to do the treatments twice a day is going to be a roller coaster ride.  Especially since the treatments themselves take 30 minutes or so and the time in between is about 6 hours.  But surely with three of us working at it, we should be able to do it.  Like I said in previous post , she is having the 5 Day Mammosite Radiation Treatment  procedure.  2 treatments of radiation for 5 days.  Then it should be over.  If she can handle it.  Not sure what we will do in between visits. 

She seems to be in good spirits and pretty much understands what is going on and what we are going to do.  She can’t seem to keep up with everything and of course asks quite a bit what we do next.  What are we doing and things like that.  She constantly wants to know if they are going to take off her whole boob and we assure her that isn’t going to be the case.   Hopefully after all of this, it will be gone, but there is always the chance it can come back or appear somewhere else.   We’ll hoe that row when we get to it.  But for now, we just hang on for the ride.

Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts.  They do mean a lot and we are all grateful we have each other.  I’m thinking about all of you that are going through what you are.  Just know, you can call me 24 hours a day if you need to talk, or need any help.  I’ll do what I can.  I love you all and now I need to go check on mom.  Next update pretty soon.  Sooner that this one was I hope. 

Charlotte

I’m going to do updates as they come in and as I find the time.  In my last post,  “How“, I told you Mom had Breast Cancer.  I was wrestling with having to tell him (Troy) and her.  I finally got a chance to talk to him alone, and in person.  Something like this doesn’t need to be said on the phone, if it can be helped.  He said he pretty much already figured it, so we both decided that we would wait until Sunday.  The day before the visit with the surgeon.  That way she wouldn’t worry and fret and miss sleep.  On Sunday evening we sat down.  Troy, his girlfriend, (which by the way is Wonderful!), Mom and me.  

We talked for a while, then I looked at all three, who were looking at me.  Conversation:

Me – “Mom, we have something we want to tell you.”

Mom -”You’re Not Putting Me In A Home.  You Hear Me?”

Me – “Oh, hell no Mother”

Mom - ”You better not, I’ll whip your a–” ( We laughed a bit)

Me – “Your results came back and you do have breast cancer”

Mom – “Oh, is that all?  I already knew that.  But let me tell you one thing, they’re not taking my boob, you hear me? ”

We laughed a bit, all of us.  So we discussed the matter a little more and she seemed fine and just wanted to know what we do next.  It was kinda like talking about what to have for dinner.  Wheww.  I was really worried that she would loose it and we all would be crying.  Thank You Lord!  So see, I’m a worrier, that’s just how I roll. 

So now to the visit with the surgeon.  Her name is Dr Burene or Buerne, I can’t remember.  (I am sure sometimes that I have Alzheimer’s too.  Just another phobia of mine).  Anyway, the four of us, Troy, Teresa, Mom and myself go the appointment.  When we get there, Mom and I go into the room and the Dr, does a sonogram to take a few more pictures and shows us both where it is located.  Very cool looking little thingie.  (The cancer, not her boob!  Keep up with me now).  It looks like a little tadpole, Dr points to a very black spot amongst a bunch of white and gray area.  She points out that it has a tail.  Wow, never saw something like that before.  But it did, it looked like a black tadpole. 

She then brings Troy and Teresa in the room, (after Mom has redressed, Dr didn’t want to have more than one person in for that, said too many people for such a small room might make Mom nervous, being all undressed and everything).  She then tells us our options, of course Mom pipes up and says, “You can’t have my Boob!”  Gotta Love Her! 

Her cancer is a stage 2  out of 1,2, or 3.  It is very small, about the size of the tip of your pinky.  (a womans, as a mans might be bigger).  Dr gave a bunch of information and options, first she would receive a lumpectomy.  Which basically means they take just the cancer tissue and a small amount of good tissue out.  But then recommend a procedure called   Five Day MammoSite Radiation Treatment  which is basically 10 treatments for 5 days, twice a day.  I’ve given you the link if you’re interested in finding out more about it. 

Supposedly the kind of treatment is very, very successful, and doesn’t make the patient undergo weeks of treatment.  Which is what we have decided to try.  Mom said she was ok with whatever as long as she didn’t lose her boob. Of Course.  So we are going to try it and see how she handles it.  If it looks like she may not be able to do this, we’ll try something else.  But for now this is how we’ll go. 

 Thank you again everyone for your support, prayers and love.  We need all we can get.  I’ll do another update next week.  Friday we go in for an MRI as they want to double-check to make sure there isn’t anymore cancer hiding anywhere else they may have missed.  Mucho Loves to all of you!

About a month ago, I took mom for a routine mamogram.  We are all about staying up to date with them as it runs in the family. (Kinda like Alzheimer’s).  For some reason mom hid her results from me for a few weeks.  It wasn’t until the Dr called to say we needed to set up an appointment for a biopsy that I even heard about it.  So we quickly had it schedualed and did what we had to do. 

It was a week later before we heard anything from the doctor.  I called everyday, but told no one had looked at the scans yet.  Argghh.  Then finally this past Monday I got the call.  The first thing that goes through my mind is my grandmother.  She died from it back when I was a kid about Katie’s age.  Back then they didn’t have all the technology or research we do now.  But it still floored me. 

I spoke with family members and the Dr and everyone told me the same thing basically.  “You can’t tell her right away, it will through her backwards.”  So when I told Troy, we agreed to wait.  But how long?  Its now Sunday and her consultation is tomorrow morning with a surgeon.  I’m going down there this afternoon so he and I can tell her.  I have no idea how she is going to take this as its something she has always feared.  Always obsessed about.  I’m shaking as I create this post.  I literally feel sick at my stomach with nerves.  I’m scared and all week long I’ve felt like I could throw up.  Over and over.  I will do an update.  Thank you all for supporting me through these years. 

PLEASE. If you have read this, please please do NOT tell her until we do. No phone calls until we tell her, PLEASE?

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